Someone take these dreams away, that point me to another day

Oh dear, right now i feel like a terribly big, swollen balloon in a desperate need of blowing out. And i need to throw up. Still, i will make it, though! I promise next post will be much more pleasant, i promise to share some of my first attempts at photographing with film. Today afternoon, i'm getting my very first roll of film from the photography store i went to, to have it printed (Well,not exactly the first as the very very first roll of film i have ever had printed was about ten years ago, i think, when my dad gave me my first camera to take with me in an all-day-long school excursion! I can still remember it! And i still have that little, childish, yellow camera! I was so impatient to see my photography attempts printed! It quite reminds me of 'Amelie', now that i'm giving it a second thought- you know,when her parents gave her a camera in order to console her for her little fish her mother set free in the river St Martin...). I feel quite impatient again. I'm going to give three more rolls of film I shoot during the Easter holidays too, today...
I also promise I will never be so grumpy again...ever!
Everything, everything will be alright soon, i promise, i know it. I can feel it!
Hope not to be proved wrong...
Wish me luck, somebody! I need to make it...

Gypsy sun and rainbows to all of you, my friends, enjoy the summer coming. Plus, spend some time watching Buster Keaton short films on video google! He is so amazing, i'm so much impressed and inspired by him. I'm going to buy a hat like his, too, today!

I call upon my daring, I can't taste anymore, I can't waste anymore

Without my heart, what can I do?

The times we had

oh, when the wind would blow with rain and snow

were not all bad,

we put our feet just where they had,

had to go.

The shatterred soul,

following close but nearly twice as slow

in my good times

there were always golden rocks to throw

at those who,

those who admit defeat too late,

those were our times,

those were our times...

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I quite look so sure in that photograph, but oh, how I hate my nose! Well, there's something wrong about me in that photograph, anyway... (These are my new sunglasses, they actually look much better in reality...). Yes, I have taken it with my cell phone!

I need to stop caring...

I'm now listening to Beirut and I can't help thinking of how amazing they are (as I always do)! The 'Gulag Orkestar' is my favourite album of theirs, and undoubtedly one of my most beloved works ever.

''Suddenly, now

the winter's over...

...I wanted you, oh oh,

now, I can't have you...''

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Listening to 'Prenzlauerberg' and 'Bandenburg' just makes me dream and quit reality for some minutes. This is, I think, among the things I feel the immense need of doing (as I might have already mentioned in past posts). Leave. Escape, quit, give up, having been led astray, you can call it anything you like, I don't care, I just feel it. I just want it. It is all a matter of 'now or never', every single feeling, motion or motivation must be considered like this... I want to get rid of all that stupid, matterless things that keep me from breaking the limit, my limits, the ones I set myself, to myself... No, I can't do this to me, I can't permit my life to be wasted on nothing really worth of it.

It' s magical how songs, conversations and hopes make dreams and plans come instantly true, no matter how feasible this is... but, hell, who's to judge that? Who's to tell us whether our dreams can come true? Who sets the limits?

And yes, it is us who do so. It it only us that is left i nthe end... Just us.

All these may sound nonsense, I apologise... I bet it's due to the lack of sleep and peace of mind I (enforce myself to?) undergo- yes, I am self-destructive in case you are wondering. I need to take a break and stop thinking for a while. And wish for the next 12 or 13 weeks to pass quick (it's the time remaining until I sit those damn finishing exams in order to enter the university...any university actually, I just need this terrible mess to end, as said in previous post of mine...-what a stagnancy!)

Whatever. I still believe that everything will be alright and peaceful and less perplexing in some time... I do (really!)! Goodnight, everyone and expect colourful days, clouds and waves..

*

Sa me amala oro khelena

oro khelena, dive kerena

Romano dive, amaro dive

amaro dive

EDERLEZI

We're tonight in a world full of thrills- it can carry me up, far above it all, to the stars then to the ground...

It felt like..:

And now it's quite like:

I want to be someone else

or I'll explode.

Floating upon the surface for the birds...

the birds...

You want me?

Fucking well come and find me,

I'll be waiting

with a gun and a pack of sandwiches

and nothing,

nothing,nothing,

nothing...

You want me?

Well come on and break the door down

You want me?

Well come on and break the door down,

I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready...

(Thank you, Radiohead)

And they were like:

But still....

***

Oh, by the way... I've turned 18 today. It doesn't feel strange, it doesn't feel anything at all actually (oh, maybe some of the melancholy I'm through the past few days). Nothing of what I expected as a child. On the contrary, I may want to go back...

Carousels twirl all around exited youth,

I do not mind at all.
Times I've betrayed,

where would we be now,

If I'd taken your hand?

Well, the years,

they pass by slow,

don't they?

I told you when I came I was a stranger

(self portrait of Toulouse Lautrec in the crowd, at the Moulin Rouge)

*

She smelled of cigarettes

and never managed to cry.
She knew
she'd never been born again
so she killed any single
aspect of herself
in order to give it a try.
She never fell in love
She could only feel the blame
the pain
and the pressure
of being lonely
while feeling precious in her search
of happiness.

She could only feel the pain
of being in love
and singing
and could only confess to strangers.
Because she knew
they would never betray
the dreams, the clouds,
the rainbows and the tears
she'd confide in them.
Because they wouldn't care.

Hurting herself
in a million ways
just to start feeling
that she mattered
to anyone willing to help
or love her fragile world,
that's what she only wished for:
feeling she mattered.
She made her expectations
out of stardust
so she could wipe them off
and her eyes
were made of
a million tiny marbles,
colliding with her fears.


At last,
who could she probably expect
to love a girl drawing birds,
using colourful glitter?

Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes and she's gone, a girl with kaleidoscope eyes...

Quand il me prends dans ses bras,
il me parle tous bas, je vois la vie en rose.
Il est entre dans mon coeur, une part de bonheur

donc je connais la cause...

...et des que je l'apercois, alors je sens en moi

mon coeur qui bat.

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Oh, hoorey, I'm back again... it's been quite a long time since my last post. Hmm. I wasn't really in the mood of sharing things, nor am I now actually. I quite missed it though... That's why I came back.

Anyway. It feels like I have went back in time the past few days, as I've cought myself only listening to french and jazz songs of the 30's to the 50's, reading poetry of the same period and watching old movies, mainly French ones... It is so interesting the way past can always influence our present lives...
So, yesterday I was back from my grandma's house, where I took the chance of photoshooting after a quite long time. That made me realise how much I missed taking photos and how much I want to start using a camera with black and white film! But again, I can sense a HUGE lack of time, spirit and inspiration which drives me quite crazy... I just want this terrible mess to end... I can't help feeling unable to cope with any single difficult and inconvinient situation! I just want to leave and disappear, I can't help feeling so vulnerable...
Whatever...

Cellophane flowers of yellow and green towering over your head...

I wish 'Lucy in the sky with diamonds' was written for me! How I wish I were Lucy! That girl with the kaleidoscope eyes...

...trying to get over the glass wall she's created between herself and rest of the world...

And that's my best shot, I think. That carousel makes me feel like endlessly spinning around myself, with no purpose, no motivation, just because that' ll never make me think again. I just want to rest... and stop harming myself. Anything I wish for does me no good. It's hard and I'm too coward to try. I'm weak... and wish things come my way at last. I can't help feeling that terribe rejection of anything ,even of myself...

I'm tired, I'm weary,

I could sleep for thousand years.

A thousand dreams that would awake me,

different colours made of tears...

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However depressive it may sound, I wish everyone a happy, true, inspirational, full of love and stars and health above all, new year!

Just achieve your goals. Remember, it is only our lives that we are living, not anybody else's.

Just our lives...