We're tonight in a world full of thrills- it can carry me up, far above it all, to the stars then to the ground...

It felt like..:

And now it's quite like:

I want to be someone else

or I'll explode.

Floating upon the surface for the birds...

the birds...

You want me?

Fucking well come and find me,

I'll be waiting

with a gun and a pack of sandwiches

and nothing,

nothing,nothing,

nothing...

You want me?

Well come on and break the door down

You want me?

Well come on and break the door down,

I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready...

(Thank you, Radiohead)

And they were like:

But still....

***

Oh, by the way... I've turned 18 today. It doesn't feel strange, it doesn't feel anything at all actually (oh, maybe some of the melancholy I'm through the past few days). Nothing of what I expected as a child. On the contrary, I may want to go back...

Carousels twirl all around exited youth,

I do not mind at all.
Times I've betrayed,

where would we be now,

If I'd taken your hand?

Well, the years,

they pass by slow,

don't they?

I told you when I came I was a stranger

(self portrait of Toulouse Lautrec in the crowd, at the Moulin Rouge)

*

She smelled of cigarettes

and never managed to cry.
She knew
she'd never been born again
so she killed any single
aspect of herself
in order to give it a try.
She never fell in love
She could only feel the blame
the pain
and the pressure
of being lonely
while feeling precious in her search
of happiness.

She could only feel the pain
of being in love
and singing
and could only confess to strangers.
Because she knew
they would never betray
the dreams, the clouds,
the rainbows and the tears
she'd confide in them.
Because they wouldn't care.

Hurting herself
in a million ways
just to start feeling
that she mattered
to anyone willing to help
or love her fragile world,
that's what she only wished for:
feeling she mattered.
She made her expectations
out of stardust
so she could wipe them off
and her eyes
were made of
a million tiny marbles,
colliding with her fears.


At last,
who could she probably expect
to love a girl drawing birds,
using colourful glitter?

Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes and she's gone, a girl with kaleidoscope eyes...

Quand il me prends dans ses bras,
il me parle tous bas, je vois la vie en rose.
Il est entre dans mon coeur, une part de bonheur

donc je connais la cause...

...et des que je l'apercois, alors je sens en moi

mon coeur qui bat.

*

*

*

*

Oh, hoorey, I'm back again... it's been quite a long time since my last post. Hmm. I wasn't really in the mood of sharing things, nor am I now actually. I quite missed it though... That's why I came back.

Anyway. It feels like I have went back in time the past few days, as I've cought myself only listening to french and jazz songs of the 30's to the 50's, reading poetry of the same period and watching old movies, mainly French ones... It is so interesting the way past can always influence our present lives...
So, yesterday I was back from my grandma's house, where I took the chance of photoshooting after a quite long time. That made me realise how much I missed taking photos and how much I want to start using a camera with black and white film! But again, I can sense a HUGE lack of time, spirit and inspiration which drives me quite crazy... I just want this terrible mess to end... I can't help feeling unable to cope with any single difficult and inconvinient situation! I just want to leave and disappear, I can't help feeling so vulnerable...
Whatever...

Cellophane flowers of yellow and green towering over your head...

I wish 'Lucy in the sky with diamonds' was written for me! How I wish I were Lucy! That girl with the kaleidoscope eyes...

...trying to get over the glass wall she's created between herself and rest of the world...

And that's my best shot, I think. That carousel makes me feel like endlessly spinning around myself, with no purpose, no motivation, just because that' ll never make me think again. I just want to rest... and stop harming myself. Anything I wish for does me no good. It's hard and I'm too coward to try. I'm weak... and wish things come my way at last. I can't help feeling that terribe rejection of anything ,even of myself...

I'm tired, I'm weary,

I could sleep for thousand years.

A thousand dreams that would awake me,

different colours made of tears...

*
*

*

However depressive it may sound, I wish everyone a happy, true, inspirational, full of love and stars and health above all, new year!

Just achieve your goals. Remember, it is only our lives that we are living, not anybody else's.

Just our lives...

De l'endroit où je suis on voit les bras de la mer qui s'allongent puis renoncent à mordre dans la terre...

*

Sometimes

I feel like hiding under my bed
and never coming out again.

Somebody

once told me to hide under there
-just because I felt afraid-

until everything is over.
I would hold flowers then

and spread them all around.
It would all be over then,

wouldn't it?

Dearest all,

you have known so far

my passion for light and darkness.

I'm more than sure you know

that nothing exists without the light,

but light can not be proved

without the darkness.

It wouldn't reflect on the clouds,
or would stars shine the same

if it wasn't for the darkness

of our solemn universe?

Are feelings and hopes and dreams

and passion and everything that is impossible
the light in the darkest of our soul?

Can we see ourselves through that dark,

using the lantern of our feelings?

Oh, how I have always been chasing the light

either to hide,

or melt, or shine!

You see, I always had

the conviction that

only by hiding behind the light

can I have all of my

imperfections
vanished.

But what if

I have only been hiding in the dark so far

-the dark of my dreams and hopes

and everything that seems impossible to me?

What is so wrong with me, anyway?

Why couldn't I ever
touch that fragile portrait of myself,

why is it that nobody ever

searched for the glass world

I created in my dreams?

Was it the dark that closed off that way?

Couldn't I stop

touching that false image of myself

to only feel the rejection I can sense?

*

-What are you afraid of?
-I'm not afraid of anything.

*

(I'm sorry for the extended self portraits- it makes me feel quite egocentric looking at it, but I only realised the plethora of my face after finishing the post!I hope it doesn't look that boring and repetitious to you as it now seems to me!
Anyway, I wish everyone is fine and has a more magnificent time than I do! It's difficult to cope with school stuff as the requirements grow harder and harder and my willingness to compromise with the fact that I really-need-to-concentrate-on-my-studies-instead-of-daydreaming-and-grouching-about-everything gets lesser and lesser.Plus, I realised how much I want to study Art and devote the rest of my life to it... but I don't know exactly what I want to do. At least I have lots of options to choose from: cinema, theatre, painting, photography... I wish I'll get the chance to do all of them-one thing I'm determined to do in my life is to fill it with the most exciting things I can possibly do. I don't want it to be wasted in monochrome habbits and rituals, as many people end up doing... -maybe this is one of my most positive thoughts and prospects,as most of the time I feel pessimistic and negative! Or at least, that's what I have been told...)

So, watching 'Arizona dream' -an amazing film by Emir Kusturica, with its soundtrack composed by Goran Bregovic- the other day made me really want to...

...build my own flying machine in 5 simple steps:

''I've never built a flying machine before,

but how hard could it be?''

... and learn how to play the accordion

(I have always wanted to, actually)!

''I'm ok, I'm just...

just stacking cars.
It's too late, the dream's over.
I've got to start climbing...
It's a long way, Axel,

It's a long way to the moon...''

''I want you to have
the world.''

*

That is all for now, my dear readers, I wish I could stay more and spend some time searching the web in order to find instructions and useful tips on how to build a flying machine myself (Johnny Depp is, by the way, another good reason of watching that incredible movie- I wish he could build that flying machine for me, too). But the more I close my eyes and dream, the more time shrinks and shrinks, without me being able to follow it or even get lost in it...

Anyway,

adieu

dear dreamers xx

*

*

*

ps: Wouldn't it be amazing to own a flying machine and travel all around the sky on sunny evenings, through the fluffy clouds, above the sunset and the mountains?

Days, months, then years go by, the outside world seems so dull that Amelie prefers to dream her life until she's old enough to leave...

Some are used to play with the fire.

Some know how to walk on their stilts

being barefoot and holding burnt candles like flowers,

wandering around the silent streets, on hopeful nights...

Some, just know how to fall.

Long live the Street Theatre!

It fills our nights with its passionate flames,

the gap of our emotions gets replaced by childish astonishment

we all become the poets of our forlorn feelings

and gypsy performers of melancholy tricks...

''-You know, that girl with the glass,

maybe she's thinking about someone.

-Somebody on the picture?

-No.

Rather a young man she saw some place else.

She feels like they're the same, the two of 'em.

-She prefers to imagine a relationship with somebody who's away,

than to create bonds with

those who are there?

-No .

Maybe she's doing everything she can to sort out other people's lives.

-But her ?

Her life,

who's going to take care of that?''

Let's get ourselves burnt up!

Swinging on a candlestick...

you know I was waiting for you.But it was your shadow

that has been roaming the alleyways

of our magical, fire-lit town,passing quickly by me.

It has only been your shadow, so far,only your shadow...

-I'd like to know more.

-Ask me questions.

-What doesn't a swallow make?

-A swallow ? A summer.

-And clothes? -The man.

-When the cat's away . -The mice will play.

-Slow and steady . -Wins the race.

-A rolling stone . -Gathers no moss.

-He that will steal a penny . -Will steal a pound.

-Out of sight . -Out of mind.

-Not bad! -More ?

Όμορφη πόλη, φωνές μουσικές....

(Beautiful town, musical voices...)

''I think that those who know the proverbs can't be bad persons.''

adieu

(photography taken by me, words too except the ones in th italics, coming from the 'Fabulous destiny of Amelie Poulin' movie)