Oh let's do it, let's fall in love

*

*

*

Well, these are my very film attempts! Oh, be sympathetic with them, I know their subjects are quite common to my previous photographic (yet digital!) attempts, but I had no spare time at all to roam the streets with my camera and shoot whatever would catch my eye. I was experimenting in my bedroom, but I'm really glad to see the results are better to what I expected! However bad the scan quality is, they look preety good, don't they? I now can't wait to have those three rolls of film I mentioned before printed, as I'm expecting better results.
Plus, rather than buying that Buster-Keaton-hat I also mentioned before, I bought an Ella Fitzgerald album from a Cole Porter's anthology, which is quite amazing. I love jazz music of the '30's artists (such as Louis Armstrong, my favourite Billie Holiday, Duke Ellington, Django Reinhardt etc) so I just couldn't help not owing an album of hers! She is really amazing, so inspirational...

So, that's all for now, I may post again some time next week, to share more photographs (oh,yes I am really excited as you can see, and guess I'm already being more pleasant, as I promised!).

Have a good night, everyone!


PS: The notebook's collage on the second photograph was made by me, too, some time ago..

Someone take these dreams away, that point me to another day

Oh dear, right now i feel like a terribly big, swollen balloon in a desperate need of blowing out. And i need to throw up. Still, i will make it, though! I promise next post will be much more pleasant, i promise to share some of my first attempts at photographing with film. Today afternoon, i'm getting my very first roll of film from the photography store i went to, to have it printed (Well,not exactly the first as the very very first roll of film i have ever had printed was about ten years ago, i think, when my dad gave me my first camera to take with me in an all-day-long school excursion! I can still remember it! And i still have that little, childish, yellow camera! I was so impatient to see my photography attempts printed! It quite reminds me of 'Amelie', now that i'm giving it a second thought- you know,when her parents gave her a camera in order to console her for her little fish her mother set free in the river St Martin...). I feel quite impatient again. I'm going to give three more rolls of film I shoot during the Easter holidays too, today...
I also promise I will never be so grumpy again...ever!
Everything, everything will be alright soon, i promise, i know it. I can feel it!
Hope not to be proved wrong...
Wish me luck, somebody! I need to make it...

Gypsy sun and rainbows to all of you, my friends, enjoy the summer coming. Plus, spend some time watching Buster Keaton short films on video google! He is so amazing, i'm so much impressed and inspired by him. I'm going to buy a hat like his, too, today!

I call upon my daring, I can't taste anymore, I can't waste anymore

Without my heart, what can I do?

The times we had

oh, when the wind would blow with rain and snow

were not all bad,

we put our feet just where they had,

had to go.

The shatterred soul,

following close but nearly twice as slow

in my good times

there were always golden rocks to throw

at those who,

those who admit defeat too late,

those were our times,

those were our times...

*

*

*

I quite look so sure in that photograph, but oh, how I hate my nose! Well, there's something wrong about me in that photograph, anyway... (These are my new sunglasses, they actually look much better in reality...). Yes, I have taken it with my cell phone!

I need to stop caring...

I'm now listening to Beirut and I can't help thinking of how amazing they are (as I always do)! The 'Gulag Orkestar' is my favourite album of theirs, and undoubtedly one of my most beloved works ever.

''Suddenly, now

the winter's over...

...I wanted you, oh oh,

now, I can't have you...''

*

*

Listening to 'Prenzlauerberg' and 'Bandenburg' just makes me dream and quit reality for some minutes. This is, I think, among the things I feel the immense need of doing (as I might have already mentioned in past posts). Leave. Escape, quit, give up, having been led astray, you can call it anything you like, I don't care, I just feel it. I just want it. It is all a matter of 'now or never', every single feeling, motion or motivation must be considered like this... I want to get rid of all that stupid, matterless things that keep me from breaking the limit, my limits, the ones I set myself, to myself... No, I can't do this to me, I can't permit my life to be wasted on nothing really worth of it.

It' s magical how songs, conversations and hopes make dreams and plans come instantly true, no matter how feasible this is... but, hell, who's to judge that? Who's to tell us whether our dreams can come true? Who sets the limits?

And yes, it is us who do so. It it only us that is left i nthe end... Just us.

All these may sound nonsense, I apologise... I bet it's due to the lack of sleep and peace of mind I (enforce myself to?) undergo- yes, I am self-destructive in case you are wondering. I need to take a break and stop thinking for a while. And wish for the next 12 or 13 weeks to pass quick (it's the time remaining until I sit those damn finishing exams in order to enter the university...any university actually, I just need this terrible mess to end, as said in previous post of mine...-what a stagnancy!)

Whatever. I still believe that everything will be alright and peaceful and less perplexing in some time... I do (really!)! Goodnight, everyone and expect colourful days, clouds and waves..

*

Sa me amala oro khelena

oro khelena, dive kerena

Romano dive, amaro dive

amaro dive

EDERLEZI

We're tonight in a world full of thrills- it can carry me up, far above it all, to the stars then to the ground...

It felt like..:

And now it's quite like:

I want to be someone else

or I'll explode.

Floating upon the surface for the birds...

the birds...

You want me?

Fucking well come and find me,

I'll be waiting

with a gun and a pack of sandwiches

and nothing,

nothing,nothing,

nothing...

You want me?

Well come on and break the door down

You want me?

Well come on and break the door down,

I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready...

(Thank you, Radiohead)

And they were like:

But still....

***

Oh, by the way... I've turned 18 today. It doesn't feel strange, it doesn't feel anything at all actually (oh, maybe some of the melancholy I'm through the past few days). Nothing of what I expected as a child. On the contrary, I may want to go back...

Carousels twirl all around exited youth,

I do not mind at all.
Times I've betrayed,

where would we be now,

If I'd taken your hand?

Well, the years,

they pass by slow,

don't they?

I told you when I came I was a stranger

(self portrait of Toulouse Lautrec in the crowd, at the Moulin Rouge)

*

She smelled of cigarettes

and never managed to cry.
She knew
she'd never been born again
so she killed any single
aspect of herself
in order to give it a try.
She never fell in love
She could only feel the blame
the pain
and the pressure
of being lonely
while feeling precious in her search
of happiness.

She could only feel the pain
of being in love
and singing
and could only confess to strangers.
Because she knew
they would never betray
the dreams, the clouds,
the rainbows and the tears
she'd confide in them.
Because they wouldn't care.

Hurting herself
in a million ways
just to start feeling
that she mattered
to anyone willing to help
or love her fragile world,
that's what she only wished for:
feeling she mattered.
She made her expectations
out of stardust
so she could wipe them off
and her eyes
were made of
a million tiny marbles,
colliding with her fears.


At last,
who could she probably expect
to love a girl drawing birds,
using colourful glitter?